Something Like Human
by Brokie
Summary: RENTfic. Benny's feeling brave and decides to take a chance.


They don't know ****

Disclaimer: RENT and its characters aren't mine. They belong to the late, great Jonathan Larson. The title is 'borrowed' from the Fuel CD. It isn't mine either. Please don't sue.

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// Something Like Human //

They don't know. That's the funny part.. I used to think that they wouldn't know until the day I died, and even then I doubted they would care. But I'm feeling brave today, so maybe things will change. After I told Alison, I just watched while she screamed and ranted because I didn't really hear her. The words faded to background noise and I just stood there, let her tell me how she'd never loved me, tell me how she knew what I had done to her. It should have hurt, I guess, because I did think I loved her at one point, but it doesn't matter anymore.

I didn't get tested right away, which was stupid, I know. But I couldn't be positive, because we had been safe, right? Right. The truth is, I was scared out of my mind. One part of me kept trying to panic while the rest of me kept trying to pretend it couldn't happen. We were safe, it was a long time ago.. we were safe. I finally broke down and went to the doctor, made it seem like no big deal. You should have seen me, all nonchalant and indifferent while my heart was racing a mile a minute. Oh, no, I wasn't concerned, an old girlfriend had just called me and told me she was positive, that was all. I wanted to make sure, but I knew I wouldn't—I knew I couldn't.. only I was. And after a few weeks of secret AZT breaks and barely believable lies, I had to tell Alison.

And so here I am, alone and unsure, trying to think of a way to explain what I'm doing showing up at Life Support. I cautiously enter the room and nearly turn around and walk straight back out when I see them there; Mark, Roger, Collins, and Mimi, all chattering away and still not yet noticing that another of their "friends" has fallen victim. I'm so preoccupied and nervous that I almost don't hear the group leader introduce himself.

"Hi, I'm Paul. You're new here, right?" he says. I manage a smile.

"Yeah. I'm Benny," I tell him softly, both from shyness and from the quickly fading delusion that if I make myself small and quiet maybe they won't notice I'm here.

Halfway through the meeting, Paul turns and looks at me, still trying to hide myself behind some girl named Pam. It's worked so far, but from the pairs of eyes already looking my way I can tell it will soon be time to face them.

"So, Benny, why don't you tell us your story?" Paul asks gently. I stare at him for a few seconds, unable to think of anything I could possibly say. He gives me a reassuring smile. "How about we start at the beginning. Are you positive?" I nod. "How did it happen?"

"Girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend, I mean," I tell him, willing myself not to even glance toward Mimi.

"Do you know anyone else with AIDS?" another man asks me.

"Yeah. Some of my—some of the people I know are positive," I tell them, nearly slipping and calling the others my friends. They're ex-friends now, not by my definition but by theirs.

"How have you been dealing with everything?"

"I haven't, actually, until now at least."

Pam turns to me, puts a hand on my shoulder. "It's gonna be okay, Benny."

Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm wondering how she can say that if she doesn't even know me. "I hope so." I wonder.. is it this hard for everyone else to reach out?

Finally the end comes, and I sigh with relief and get up to leave. They're staring. Like it's some big surprise, like they too believed I was invincible. None of them are moving, just standing and making me feel like they might think I deserve this but aren't cruel enough to show it. I stare at the ground beneath their feet, willing one of them to move, silently begging for something worth living for.

Mimi finally approaches me, asks the inevitable question.

"Was it me?"

I study her for a second, take in the paleness of her skin and the frailness of her features. I think of how she looks when she smiles and how I felt when she broke down after Roger left. She doesn't need this.

"No," I tell her simply. "It wasn't you."

She nods, seems reassured. A tiny smile is all she offers me, but it's still much more than anyone else has. She retreats, tucks herself under Roger's arm, and I can't help but notice how perfectly she fits there, how easily she has become part of their little makeshift family. I try to pretend their silence hasn't hurt me, that these aren't tears welling up in my eyes, but I'm failing miserably. My coming here was a way of asking for help, because I don't know how to ask for it any other way. But they've turned me down, and once more I'm learning not to trust, not to get too attached. You wouldn't want to get hurt.. They disappear from sight, and I push the tears away roughly, angrily.

I don't think I'll be coming back to Life Support.


End file.
